The Truth...
Getting a puppy was a hard step for me. Kia was my once-in-a-lifetime dog. I would have been content knowing that I shared many years with a great companion. Never loving another furbaby again. Getting a puppy was hard. Exciting. But hard. I had a conversation with Trev before Izzy. Do we want to do this? Are we sure we want to commit to the next (hopefully 12 - 15) several years of our lives to a fur creature? Maybe we should get the trailer and the lot at hubbles that doesn't allow dogs instead...relax the summers away by a lake? Trevor was adamant that a dog was in our cards. That our boys needed the same relationship I had with Kia with their own puppy. That we were a dog family. Don't get me wrong, my love for dogs never wavered. I am a firm believer that a puppy/dog can teach many life lessons to children. But my wounded heart can't imagine going through a loss like Kia again. That kind of hurt strikes deep. She wasn't just my dog. She was my best friend. For a period of transition in my life when things felt lower more often than they did higher - I had her to pull me through. Through my love and marriage, my first babies - I had her. It was a hard, unexpected goodbye that will just never sit right in my heart. I wish I knew she was sick sooner, I would have done anything...ANYTHING to extend her life with me. But it was too late. And the thought of Izzy or any other puppy was a hard one. After the excitement of Izzy joining our family settled, reality set in. Izzy wasn't Kia. And a puppy was far different than a 12 year old dog. Training is hard. Training with small children is even harder. Trevor received several phone calls that first week away of me in a puddle of tears on the other line. Regret. What have we done? In the thick of potty training, puppy training, and child training - I wanted out. Every day I had regret and with regret came guilt. Who can you share that with? I didn't want to share that with anyone. I didn't want anyone to know how hard I was handling the transition. Because you know what? Izzy is fabulous. Sweet. Smart. Cute. Fabulous. But she wasn't Kia and having her presence had the opposite impact on me. It made me miss Kia more rather than helping that hole heal. The first couple weeks were incredibly tough and even some moments now are tough. But things have changed. Izzy is a member of our family, and I am so grateful. I can see on my boys' faces the joy that she brings them. And in our own moments together, when there's no chaos of critters around, I feel it too. That joy of having a companion. Something soft to snuggle up to. Yes, she's work - but she's catching on fast and thank goodness for that. The breeder had made a comment the day we went to see Izzy...she told me 'don't discount yellow (Izzy); watch her. Keep your eye on her'. Izzy followed me everywhere. When we brought Izzy out at the party, she came directly to me. The breeder said, every dog will pick 'their person'. Whether I wanted it to be me or not, it is me. There is an underlying trust, connection, and loyalty she has to me. I can only hope that a small part of Kia is in there somewhere. Recently I told Trev that all Izzy's undercoat is white...she may turn out to be a white dog afterall. His comment was maybe it was Kia shining through. Every time I pet and snuggle Izzy and see that, I trust that it is. But Izzy is still Izzy in her own right. She is not Kia. But she is a new chapter. Our new chapter. I am grateful for her...still somewhat frustrated with the changes, but grateful that she chose us and we chose her. I haven't written about Kia or how I've felt and I didn't plan to tonight...but instead of writing a list of all the great things that Izzy has done and brought to our lives, because it is list-worthy, this is what came out. So the list will have to wait for another post. And for now, I will leave you with the sweet face that follows me around...
Izzy the Goldendoodle, bringing love and excitement and lessons in patience to the Ackerman household daily! Stay tuned for more!
